Blaine: Day One - Curtis Hanson

Blaine serves up a delicious appetizer in the form of Hanson's 1992 film,
The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

This. Movie. Is. Awesome.

Again...SPOILERS. However, if you haven't seen this by now you might as well stop watching movies.

We open with a typical middle class family, Claire and Michael Bartel. Although I can't look at Matt McCoy without seeing Lloyd Braun:

Remember? He outsold George in the Costanza computer company? He also bought Jerry $100 worth of Chinese gum. Anyway, I digress....

So Claire and LB have a daughter named Emma and another on the way. They're startled out of the gate when Claire sees a black man snooping around the kitchen window. She overreacts a bit and they discover that Solomon was sent by a group called Better Days - they give people with exceptionalities jobs in the community and Solomon is there to fix their fence. This SO comes back later.
Anyway, Claire then goes to her new gynecologist who, turns out, is creepy AF (even going so far as to remove his gloves before doing his "inspection"). Needless to say she's traumatized, so much so that it causes her to have an asthma attack. Good thing she has her inhaler. This SO comes back later.
Claire is reluctant to file a complaint but LB talks her into it and next thing we know, Dr. Mott (the  gynecologist) is fired since three other women have filed a complaint against him. And so, being the coward that he is, he does the only thing cowards do: he kills himself.
Enter the widow Mott...

Isn't she lovely? Poor Mrs. Mott. Not only does she lose her husband but she also has a miscarriage from the stress. So, she comes up with a plan and let me tell you something. It is DI-A-BOL-I-CAL.

Step 1: Make up a name. Peyton Flanders. Done.

Step 2: Infiltrate the Bartel home. She does this by applying for the nanny position and winning over Claire by just making up a bunch of shit. Claire buys it hook, line and sinker. Reminder: Claire is the PROTAGONIST of this film.

Step 3: Take a fallen earring and pretend to save the baby from choking on it. What? Yep. And it works like a charm. Not only does she instantly become a hero but she also makes Claire feel like a loser mom who almost killed her own baby.

In fact, Solomon seems to be the only person who sees through the facade but since he's exceptional, Peyton makes it clear where he stands in the food chain...

That look. I would like to take a minute to appreciate Rebecca De Mornay (RD). Beautiful? Yes. Evil?  Probably. Crazy? I don't think so. I mean, if you lost your husband because some lady from the suburbs filed a complaint which made him kill himself and then you lost your baby because of all it, would you be crazy for wanting revenge? Discuss among yourselves.

Step 4: Start breastfeeding the baby. Okay, this is fucked up.

Step 5: Ruin Claire's dress so she's forced to wear something she doesn't want to. Petty? Sure. Effective? You know it. And what, prey tell, does Claire need a fancy dress for?
A night out with this stud:

That's right. Enter the best friend...Julianne Fucking Moore (aka Marlene). Not only is Marlene Claire's best friend, but as it turns out, she used to date LB. This SO comes back.
So while the two couples are out on their double date, let's move onto...

Step 6: Corrupt young Emma by showing her scary movies and turning her against her mother. How do you accomplish this you ask? Well, simple. When Emma reveals that she's being bullied and her mother couldn't do anything to stop it, RD takes matters into her own hands. She shows up at Emma's school, has her point out the bully, and basically gives him one of these:

I'm 44 and I would also piss myself in fear. Needless to say, it works.

I would like to take this moment to point out something important. Not only is RD NOT CRAZY, but she is also a genius. Not because she came up with this magnificent plan to ruin Claire, but because she has been improvising the entire time. In fact, I'm pretty sure her plan was merely: Ruin Claire. Earring? Improvised. Dress-ruining? Improvised. Bully the bullier? Improvised. I'm telling you, this is almost a perfect screenplay. Which leads us to the greatest improvisation yet...

Step 7: Ruin the marriage. Wait, what? How do you just ruin a marriage? I'll show you in two parts. Part one --  LB has a very important letter to mail but he's running late, so Claire tells him that she'll do it. Yes, she knows how important it is and it's no problem. He kisses her goodbye with a smile on his face. You are the greatest wife in the world. Then, when Claire's not looking, RD takes the letter and destroys it. When Claire finally goes to the post office she scrambles to find the letter but it's nowhere to be found. RD gives her one of those oh my goodness how did you misplace it? looks like only she can do. Claire, of course, is still oblivious to the fact that RD is ruining her life and has a breakdown. How could she be so careless? LB is gonna be so pissed. Where is my inhaler?

So, in between parts one and two of ruining the marriage, Solomon is working on the house when he accidentally sees RD breastfeeding the baby. Even Solomon knows this is wrong. He panics, climbs down from the house and starts to freak out but not to worry...RD knows exactly how to handle this.

Yep.
But RD isn't content with just threatening him...oh no.

Step 8: Get rid of Solomon. Right now he's the only one who can ruin her plan. Again, this woman is fucking evil. She first plants the seed in Claire's mind that Solomon is maybe, possibly, touching Emma inappropriately. And then goes in for the kill later on when she asks Claire to look for something in Solomon's bike bag. While Claire searches she comes across a pair of Emma's underwear. Game, set, and match. It was nice knowing you, Solomon.

Again, this improvisation works on many levels. Not only does RD get rid of her only threat, but now Emma hates her mom even more for sending Solomon away. Fucking genius. But the threat's not over yet. Remember how RD was in the middle of ruining Claire's marriage? Let's move on to step two: Plan a surprise birthday party for Claire. She gets LB on board but suggests that he doesn't tell anyone it was her idea. I mean, that wouldn't look right. He should get all the credit. And better yet, he and Marlene should plan it together.

So, on the night that RD knows LB and Marlene are planning the surprise birthday party, RD plants another seed with Claire. While having a discussion about marriage and love, RD spurts out this little gem: "A man never loses his attraction to his first love." Claire is stunned. She tells RD that Marlene is, in fact, LB's first love. And of course RD couldn't know this. Now Claire becomes paranoid. She calls the office (where he's supposed to be) but he's not there. Marlene also isn't answering her phone. Okay, that's a bit suspicious. But the coup-de-grace is when RD takes Marlene's lighter and hides it in LB's jacket. Which of course, Claire finds. Marriage ruined.

And it is ruined so spectacularly you just know RD is grinning from ear to ear. Claire comes home and confronts LB. She basically accuses him of fucking Marlene only to find out -- ALL OF HER FRIENDS are in the other room. Including Marlene who leaves in anger. Wow. Think about how many check marks RD accomplished with this little scheme.

So while the marriage may not be over, LB certainly has less respect for his wife and Claire and Marlene are on the outs. Solomon is gone and Emma pretty much treats RD as her real mother. I'd say the judges are gonna give this one to RD.

But RD isn't satisfied yet. Nope. She has one more trick up her sleeve to get rid of Claire once and for all.

Step 9: Rig the greenhouse so that when Claire goes in (as she does every morning), the glass will shatter and, at the very least, injure her terribly. But not only that -- on the off chance that Claire survives she will surely be traumatized and will need her inhalers. So what does RD do? She methodically goes around the house and empties out every single inhaler. And it would have worked too, except for one thing:

That's right. While they may be on the outs, Marlene discovers a tasty little tidbit about our friend RD - that she's really Mrs. Mott! She tries to reach Claire but can't and instead confronts RD in person. Not everyone is afraid of RD. Although, maybe you should be. You see, in another improvisation, RD subtly gives away that Claire might be in the greenhouse so Marlene goes looking for her, determined...

She enters the greenhouse, the glass shatters, and...

RIP Julianne Moore. It was nice knowing you. And yes, it was clearly an accident. And yes, this plan still works because upon seeing the dead body of her once best friend, Claire runs to the house to call 911 and...you guessed it, has an asthma attack. She goes from inhaler to inhaler only to discover them all empty and eventually collapses.

Now, if you're still reading this thinking okay, Jon, I think we get the point. This has gone on long enough. Then you clearly have not gotten the point. This movie is amazing. And I'm  not done yet because we haven't even gotten to the true heroes of this film. And no, I'm not talking about our "protagonist" Claire. Claire who set this whole thing in motion. Claire who is too stupid to realize that every single bad thing in her life started happening the second RD showed up. You'll see who...we're getting there.

So, Claire survives and finally takes some initiative to figure out why Marlene was suddenly so desperate to get a hold of her and discovers the last house she was in the the middle of selling belonged to none other than Dr. Mott. But that's not enough of a giveaway. I mean, Marlene figured it out by a fucking photograph but Claire has to go to the house and look in every room until she finally discovers the truth. And while it was frustrating to bear with her ignorance throughout the film, this is a great moment. RD is burned and Claire is gonna destroy her.

She comes home, tells LB the truth about RD and a battle ensues. RD pretty easily takes care of LB by breaking his legs and locking him in the basement. Then she takes care of Claire because, well, she's Claire. And just as she's about to steal the baby and Emma and run away, somebody returns to the house to save the day...
That's right bitches....

Solomon in the house! Yep yep! But he's still not the hero I was talking about before. Because while it's good that he showed up and he's basically the only one stronger than RD, the real hero is this little gem:

This girl is smart AF. Upon learning about RD's true identity, and even with both of her parents down for the count, Emma hides the baby and uses the baby monitor to trap RD in the nursery. This buys them time to make their way to the attic for the final battle.

And okay, yes, there IS a fireplace in the nursery for some reason. And yes, with a fireplace comes fireplace tools such as a fire poker. And yes, RD uses the poker to break through the door. You know what? I'm going to allow this since the rest of the movie is near perfect.

So back to the attic...

Solomon is protecting the baby, Emma has climbed out the window in fear, and Claire has resurfaced, madder than ever. And yes, Claire IS the one who pushes RD out of the window and to her death but even then I refuse to give her credit, because if it weren't for Solomon's fence...(see, I told you it would come back), she might have survived. Instead, she dies as she lived, magnificently.

Rating: 17 1/2 out of 20.

Bechdel test: Reluctant pass. I say reluctant because while it certainly passes on the surface, when you dig deeper, every conversation had between women is really about the men. RD's entire life revolves around revenge for her husband so her every lie revolves around that revenge. Even Marlene and Claire talk about their men in one way or another. When Marlene tells Claire how crazy she is for hiring a hot nanny, she's basically talking about LB. But still, PASS.

Rewatchability: Off. The. Charts.


Next up we have round two from Curtis Hanson. His 1986 made-for-television cautionary tale:
The Children of Times Square.

And so we go from creepy to truly horrifying. There is no subtext here and the message is loud and clear: do not run away from home. Unless you are a white male.

The movie is about two boys from different backgrounds. Eric Roberts (lulz), a middle-class white teenager who lives in Pennsylvania and has, what can only be described as "white people problems".
This asshole:

The cause of his teenage angst? He wants to go to a concert with his buddy even though he already promised his parents he would babysit his younger brother. And by younger I mean a toddler. So, it's pretty important. We can tell right away that Eric doesn't get along with his step-father and things only get worse when, after the parents leave for their night out, Eric goes to the concert anyway. Needless to say he gets caught red-handed and now he's even angrier. I mean, as he tells his parents, "I left him in the crib" (as if that's enough for a toddler. What could have possibly gone wrong?). So now he's grounded and the parents have an argument which leads them both to say, very loudly, that their lives would be so much easier without Eric around. And frankly, I agree. So Eric waits until they're asleep, steals money from his mother's purse, and rides his bike to the bus station.
Meanwhile, in NYC, we meet Luis Sotavento (a young Danny Nucci).
This stud:

Luis leads a slightly different life than Eric. Luis doesn't have a father of any kind and, instead, has a mother who works twenty jobs to put food on the table for Luis and his two sisters. While Eric cries about seeing a concert, Luis saves his entire family from perishing in a fire that destroys their home. While Eric steals money from his mother's purse, Luis risks his life saving his mother's purse because he knows how important money is to the family. It's an interesting juxtaposition, if a little clunky at times.

Eric, it turns out, made his way to the big apple and is immediately won over by the 80's charm of Times Square: drug dealing kids, break-dancing, and pretzel carts. You can almost sense that he feels right at home even though he couldn't be more out of place. But things aren't all they're "cracked" up to be. Get it? He ends up sleeping in a car only to be woken up by the owner who is, for good reason, irate. So then he finds an arcade and makes a few friends. Unfortunately for Eric, one of those friends is basically a pimp who gives him 20 bucks to go keep an old man company. Yes, I was cringing as well. Eric's dumb enough to go along for the ride but at least smart enough to fight his way out of the car once the raping starts.

Meanwhile, Eric's mother....

Oh, did I mention it was Joanna Cassidy? Anyway, she decides that her piece of shit son is actually worth saving so she goes to New York in search of him. First stop? NYPD runaway division. And let me tell you something, this place is de-press-ing. Hundreds of "missing" posters adorn the walls and Joanna's only contact there is a worn-out, glass is half-empty, detective named Lt. Devins (Jason Bernard). Devins sees the same shit every day. Kids running away from home only to find themselves turned into prostitutes or drug dealers. But he helps Joanna anyway. She prints a bunch of flyers and then sets out to find her son.

I will say that up to this point I was reminded of Requiem for a Dream, in so much that if I saw this movie when I was 12, it would have scared me straight. And while there are problems with the movie, I really do think they should show this to kids. And if you think I haven't made my case yet, strap in.

Oh yeah, this would be a good place to introduce another, more minor character, Debbie. You see, Debbie also made her way to NYC and fresh off the bus is greeted by a pimp. I don't know if you've seen the pilot for The Deuce but it's almost exactly the same. A pimp greets her, gives her his business card, and lets her know that he's available in case her life doesn't go as planned. And we can give Debbie credit -- she refuses him (although hangs on to the business card). We'll come back to Debbie later.

Luis and his family, meanwhile, are homeless and have to resort to sleeping in some shady places. They eventually land in a seedy motel where Luis meets C.J., a confident, well-dressed teenager who, for some reason, carries a briefcase with him. I don't know if I've seen Die Hard waaaay too many times or everyone would make this connection but I immediately recognized C.J. as a young Argyle (McClain's limo driver?). Anyway, C.J. makes money somehow and Luis wants in, so C.J. brings Luis to an abandoned building where he's introduced to The Leopards; a group of drug-dealing kids who fly under the radar because they're 15 or younger. C.J. is kind of like Luis' sponsor. Eric, it turns out, found a sponsor of his own and now these two stories have collided....

Luis, meet dipshit. Dipshit, meet Luis. You'll never be half the man he is.

The Leopards are led by a street-wise drug dealer named OTIS. Otis is nice enough, as long as you make your quota and don't come up short. Then he's not so nice. When one of the kids gets ripped off, Otis feels for him but reminds him that the loss is coming out of his commission. Things are going okay for Eric and Luis at first. They are making money and feeling a part of something bigger -- like, a family. But things take a sour turn when they come across the competition -- two grown ass men who are selling in their turf. They tell Otis (who probably should be the one dealing with the problem) but Otis tells the kids to chase them off. Which they do. I mean, I suppose 6 15-year olds could, theoretically, scare off 2 40-year-olds but whatever. The kids feel good about themselves and take back their turf.

Luis is so proud of himself that he decides to buy his mom a television set. I mean this thing had to be at least an 11 incher. He has Eric help him carry it to his apartment where his mom isn't very happy. She's at least smart enough to realize that Luis is getting money from somewhere and that somewhere is not good. And she's spot on. Because those 40-year-olds? They track down Luis and Eric and chase them up to the roof of the apartment. A scuffle ensues and they THROW LUIS OFF THE BUILDING TO HIS DEATH!

I was speechless. I mean, this movie went to some dark places but I didn't think it would go that far. It did. Not only that, but his sister got to watch the whole thing. Drugs do not pay, kids.

Otis finally steps up to exact revenge for Luis and drags Eric along to ID the pricks. He does and another scuffle ensues, this one ending with pretty much everyone dead except for Eric. Meanwhile, Joanna happened upon the scene just as it came to a conclusion, gives her idiot son a hug and takes him back home with her. And so, white privilege prevails once again. Eric gets to go home to his middle class life as if nothing happened while Luis rots in the ground.

Oh, and just to add salt to the wound, the movie ends with Debbie, now a prostitute, asking a John if he wants some company.

I needed a shower after this one.

Rating: 9 out of 20 (gotta give it points for keeping it real).

Bechdel test: Failed miserably.

Rewatchability: Never again. Unless I have kids. So, never again.


All in all it was a fun day. Tomorrow I'm in for two films I've never seen before by director, Henry King. It's gonna be a doozy.