Blaine: Day Three - Louis Malle

It could not be more appropriate that day three begins with Malle's 1958 crime drama,
Elevator to the Gallows
Because today felt like being on an elevator. Get it?

I knew absolutely NOTHING about this film and I gotta say, I fucking LOVED it. No joke this is officially one of my favorite movies of all time. I know, I know...I'm late to the party. You know what? I'm fine being late to the party. You know who's early to parties? Nerds.

We open with two lovers speaking sweet nothings to each other over the phone. They make plans for the evening: meet up at a certain time and place and then run away together. All of this underneath Miles Davis letting us know that shit is about to get crazy. Miles recorded the soundtrack with the help of a few musicians in one sitting. And how does that get cooler?

Jeanne Moreau and Louis Malle were in the fucking room where it happened. The room where it happened. The room where it happened....

Anyway, now that you've met one of the lovers, let's meet her significant other...

Julien Tavernier (Maurice Ronet). Julien hangs up the phone and tells his secretary that he is not to be disturbed. He then locks his office door, puts on a pair of gloves, grabs a rope with a fucking GRAPPLING HOOK attached to the end of it, and oh yeah, a gun.

Just when I thought I was in for two hours of French lovie-dovie nonsense, Julien takes it up a notch. He climbs out of office window, hooks the rope to the floor above, climbs up the rope and enters his boss's office -- the man in charge of the entire building -- Mr. Carala.

I mean, come on.

Carala seems unimpressed that Julien has a gun aimed at him, essentially daring him to pull the trigger. Dare accepted, Mr. Carala. R.I.P. you arrogant S.O.B.

Julien covers his tracks like a pro, staging the scene to look like a suicide. He even manages to lock the office from the outside so nobody could consider foul play. He climbs back down to his floor and suddenly panics when he hears his office telephone ring. He better answer it. People know he's in his office and that might be hard to explain away. So he hurries down and answers the phone only to find out it's his secretary and she and the night security guard are ready to go home. Julien agrees and leaves the office with them. It's a perfect alibi. And they already think that Mr. Carala left for the evening because he had a flight to catch.

Julien, feeling pret-tay...pret-tay...pret-tay good about himself, heads across the street to his car where we find two teenagers, Louis and Veronique, just shooting the shit. Veronique is smitten with Julien -- his looks, his money, his convertible car. The man is a dreamboat. And something tells me that Louis is not impressed. And just as Julien is about to take off he looks back up towards the building where... he forgot to take down the grappling hook! How could he be so stupid? But it's okay. He caught it just in time. He hops out of the car and runs back into the building and into the elevator. Little does he know that he just missed the security guard who is on his way out. And one of the last tasks is to shut down the power to the entire building. So now Julien is stuck inside the elevator, while, several floors above him lay the body of Mr. Carala.

I feel you, buddy.

Meanwhile, Louis gets impatient and decides to steal Julien's car. The man left the engine running, after all, and it's been a minute. Veronique tries to talk him out of it but we all know girls love the bad boy so she reluctantly ends up going for the joy ride after all. Along the way, Veronique decides to poke around a bit and pops open the glove box where she finds a passport, a camera, and a gun.

Looks like Julien is quite the badass.

And now our other lover, Florence (Jeanne Moreau), waits patiently at the chosen meeting spot. Julien is running late. That's not like him. Maybe something went wrong. And suddenly, she recognizes Julien's car as it zooms past with a pretty young Veronique dangling her head out of the window. What. The. Fuck? Now she's having second thoughts. How could Julien do this to her? Did he get cold feet? We all know that's not like Julien.

Louis and Veronique drive aimlessly and eventually stumble upon an older German couple who invite them into their hotel room for drinks. Why not? Louis doesn't even have to be himself. After all, he has Julien's car and Julien's passport. Why not become Julien Tavernier? Smart kid. If he wasn't so dumb.

The two couples down champagne and tell long winded tales about the war. The women gossip and snap up the remaining few photographs in Julien's camera. In fact, there's a developing station in the hotel. So they get some fresh air and drop off the photos before finally calling it a night.

But Louis, being Louis, decides that he wants to steal the old man's car. Veronique, once again, tries to be the voice of reason but they get caught red-handed. The German holds Louis at gunpoint and tells him "nice try, kid" but Louis panics and SHOOTS the German dead. The old man's wife runs out only to get shot as well. Louis drops the gun (Julien's gun) and the two take off in the German's car. The weight of the tragedy finally catches up to the two young lovers as they lie in bed back at Veronique's place, and they decide that they have no other choice but to kill themselves. They each take a handful of pills and...

 Sleep well, young lovers.

I'd like to take a moment to point out what it is, exactly, I love about this film (and others from the same period). Partially, it's nostalgia. Nostalgia for a time when a film KNEW it was a film and the viewer knew it was film. Within the first few minutes I immediately noticed some continuity errors -- something that comes with watching movies for 40 years. I don't know when it happened, exactly, but at some point movies felt the need to be flawless. A perfect example of this is The Matrix Reloaded. During that highway scene (which I have watched several times) there are zero continuity errors. It's really impressive. If a bullet enters a car on the right rear side while someone is leaping through the air, when the film cuts to a different angle, everything is exactly where it should be. I remember being blown away by that, knowing how difficult that is to pull off. But now, watching ETG, I actually long for the days when that just wasn't an issue. It makes the movie surreal in the best way possible. When Veronique takes the pills to commit suicide you just go along with it. Why would she have suicide pills? Doesn't matter. When the guns are fired point blank we don't see squibs or blood squirting all over the wall -- no, the actor merely clutches his chest and falls to the ground. I love that shit. It says look what we can do without special effects or the need for detail. You're still invested 100% because we are masters of our craft. It's surreal by accident.

Anyway, shit starts to go south for Julien pretty quickly. Once the cops show up at the hotel and find Julien's passport and gun they immediately put out a warrant for his arrest for the murder of the German couple.

Even though the poor guy has been, well...

Let's just say he's having a bad day.
And also? What a fucking shot. Blaine wanted me to start noticing the visual aspects of these films more and this is a perfect place to start. I mean, everything about the way this film was shot is perfect. The lighting, the angles, the backdrops. Considering this was Malle's second feature (I think?), it's very impressive.

On a completely unrelated note: check out the rule of thirds used here to perfection:

I could easily spend an entire blog posting on just the visuals. But there simply isn't time and I'm not smart enough. Sorry.

Eventually the cops show up at the building where Julien works, they restore the power and Julien is able to leave the building. And I must have blinked for a second because I could swear there was a shot of the rope with the grapple hook down on the street -- implying that it eventually fell off? I'm not sure and it really doesn't matter. Because Julien is a wanted man now. His beautiful mug is plastered all over the newspapers and he's eventually brought in to the police. And the cops are not messing around. They grill him endlessly but to no avail. He had nothing to do with the murdered German couple.

Ugh. The lighting.

Anyway, Florence, apparently having gotten over the initial shock of thinking Julien cheated on her, spends the night looking for him. She eventually gets brought into a police station, mistaken for being a prostitute, and it's then that the cops (and we the viewer) learn that she is none other than Mrs. Carala. That name holds a lot of weight because the cops immediately shit themselves in fear, hoping she will forgive them for such an error. That's fine. She just wants to go home.

The detectives, meanwhile, are in Julien's office searching for clues and they eventually find Mr. Carala, dead in his office. It appears to be suicide but maybe not.

Florence finally catches Julien's face in the newspaper and puts all the pieces together. That wasn't Julien driving the car after all. Someone else stole his car and committed these crimes, and Florence is going to solve it so she and Julien can finally be together. She tracks down Veronique and finds the two teenagers a little worse for wear. You see, they took pills but it they were merely sleeping pills (?) and not nearly enough to do any real damage. Florence has solved the case. She locks them inside their room and sets off to call the police. It is just then that Louis has an epiphany. They're not on the hook for the murders! The cops think Julien did it! They're free! But then the teens remember those fucking photographs. The ones they left to be developed. Not to fear, Louis will go back to the hotel (genius), get the photos, and destroy the evidence.

And his plan almost worked, but the detectives were one step ahead of him. They catch him at the hotel and use the photographs to prove that Louis and Veronique were the last to be with the German couple. He's done for.

Florence followed Louis to the hotel and is relieved at first, thinking this nightmare is finally over. Unfortunately, there were other pictures in the roll as well. Pictures of Florence and Julien being in love. That's motive, mofo. In the end, the good guys win and the bad guys go to jail. Like I said, surreal.

Rating: 20 out of 20

Bechdal test: Surprisingly...it passes. Florence and Veronique have a conversation that does not have to do with their fellow men. It's brief but hey, a win is a win.

Newest obsession: Jeanne Moreau

Next stop, basement.



Blaine brings the elevator waaaay back down to a floor that can only be called  
My personal hell.

Malle's 1975, somehow Criterion, waterboarding of a film...
Black Moon

To be fair, this was not Blaine's first choice. But Thief of Paris was nowhere to be found in any of my zillion streaming channels (and since there are no more video stores around -- thanks, Obama), he gave me a backup plan. And you know what? I'm glad he did. Because sobriety was way too fun these first couple of days. Sometimes you need a bucket of cold water poured over your head to keep going. That's what this movie was. Except the water wasn't cold. It was lukewarm. Like piss. And never ending.

There is no dialogue for the first 16 minutes of this trashcan fire while we follow along with Lilly who drives through the middle of some kind of gender war (spoiler, the men are winning) and eventually finds her way to a secluded farm house.

Here is a list of animals seen up until this point: Caterpillar, snake, skunk, sheep, ladybug, unicorn, horse, pig, and the largest rat you will ever see. And these animals SEEM to be talking to her although just when you think "did that pig just say something in English?" he goes right back to oinking. A cat walks across a piano playing only notes of dissonance, a ladybug squeaks out a word or two, maybe, but I'm pretty sure Malle is simply fucking with us. I will say it's an interesting contrast to ETG in which both films are surreal for different reasons. ETG by accident, this, clearly, on purpose.

The characters speak to each other without saying words. And when they do speak, the dubbing is so off it makes you want to rip out your hair. And in case you're wondering, they ARE speaking English. It's got to be dubbed on purpose. Can I please watch Eraserhead five times in a row instead?

And you know what? I get it. It's Malle's take on Alice in Wonderland. Does that make it any better? Nope.

The good news is, this is a much better choice for an unseen Louis Malle film. I can't imagine a world in which Blaine would feel the need to watch this. Anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah. My nightmares.

So our lost girl finds an elderly woman in the bed upstairs whose only communication with the outside world is through a radio. She meets the handsome hunk of meat above (Joe Dallesandro) who is also named Lilly. And then there's Lilly's sister...Lilly. Can somebody shoot me now?

Let's see...more gobbledygook...a bunch of naked children that may or may not be her imagination...a sword fight with a hawk...and, oh yeah...breastfeeding. But not in the good way. Not in the nourish-a-child-way. No, both Lilly and Lilly breastfeed the old woman.

Nothing to see here, folks.

And just to top things off, Lilly prepares herself at the end to breastfeed the Unicorn. And look, I know I'm the dumb one here. I'm not "getting it." It's a metaphor. It's a parable. I don't give a shit. It's terrible.

I think I'm going to watch Elevator to the Gallows again for a palate cleanser before tomorrow's reunion with an old friend.

I feel better already.




Rating: 1 out of 20

Bechdal test: Sure.

Number of suicide pills I would need to watch again: All of them.